There are days when I get the sudden urge to get up and get fit. But then the effort of rolling out of bed, or levering myself out of my comfy chair has me feeling weak and sometimes gasping for air, and I realize that I just may not be in good enough shape to attempt an actual workout. So I created a list of several things to help improve my condition so that I might be able to work on my fitness if the urge returns. I decided to share these tips to help others who might be stuck in idle condition as well.
1. Lift Something
Start out with something that has slightly more weight to it than the things you usually handle. For instance, instead of that morning doughnut lift a jelly filled doughnut instead. If you’re already lifting a jelly doughnut in the mornings then advance to two jelly doughnuts. The idea is to lift a little more each day to improve your general arm strength. Soon you should be able to lift an entire boxed dozen of jelly doughnuts!
2. Use your legs to push your chair
Whether you’re at work or sitting at home in front of your computer there will be times you need to get to somewhere else. Whenever possible turn your back to where you want to go and propel yourself by leg power. Until you build up some leg strength it may seem to be an intolerably slow way to get to your goal. Resist the urge to use your hands to push off of counters or desk tops. You won’t be building leg strength if you aren’t using your legs to do all of the work. This step actually benefits from you being a lard-ass. The bigger the better! The more weight you push, the more workout you get. So, if you’re one of those skinny people with freaky metabolisms out of condition due to idleness, you need to add weight to your chair before pushing off. Follow step one and pick up a box of jelly doughnuts, or possibly ask a friendly co-worker to sit in your lap. It’s very important that you’re sitting in a wheelie chair for this step! A chair without wheels could tip over and cause injury to yourself or your jelly doughnuts. If necessary, use a mirror or a trustworthy out-of-the-chair witness to verify whether your chair has the required wheels.
3. A lot of self-pleasure
If you’re not taking care of your physical urges at least 3 to 4 times a day you need to step up your game! Masturbation is good cardio! It raises your heart rate, and if done at a decent pace can build wrist and forearm strength. This should be reserved for private time and not be done while at your work desk, unless you’re the boss, in a private office, with a locked door.
4. Get a puppy
Taking the little thing for walks and bending over to clean up its little accidents helps build a tolerance for physical activity. Puppies also tend to improve your general mood while simultaneously making you feel guilty for sitting like a lump in your wheelie chair. They are so full of energy that it can be infectious. Playing and rolling around on the floor with a puppy is good for your heart and general condition. Be careful to put aside your box of jelly doughnuts before playing with your puppy! Fur and jelly filling do not mix! Although attempting to clean jelly out of the fur of a squirmy ball of energy could be another step towards getting workout fit.
5. Enslave yourself
I used to recommend spoiling your family and friends a little. But I have discovered that it is difficult to maintain motivation when the ungrateful beggars get used to being spoiled and expect to be waited on hand and foot. From personal experience I can attest that having an invalid family member can be a great help in getting you into a condition that will allow you to start getting more fit. It is not necessary that you have a bed-ridden, incontinent, alcoholic mother such as I have, but the constant beer runs, bedpan cleanings, and occasional sponge baths have their benefits. If you aren’t lucky enough to have an invalid family member or friend that you can enslave yourself to, you could always advertise for a bed-ridden roommate. It will be unpleasant at first and, if we are being honest, will continue to remain unpleasant, but keep reminding yourself that it is all for a good cause. You will thank yourself for this hardship when you can get out of bed without feeling faint. Most importantly, don’t let this step get you down. In your depression you may inadvertently eat all of your jelly doughnuts. Then you will have to do a lot more of step 2, or worse yet, get up to go get more jelly doughnuts.