Valentine’s Day According to Idiots

Valentine’s Day According to Idiots


We got in touch with several of our authors to get their feelings on Valentine’s Day. We asked for just a line or two, and here is what we got:

John Alcraft: “Valentine’s Day brings to my mind visions of dead people. It was originally designed, you know, to honor several martyrs. It was twisted into a kind of celebration of romantic love for a while until Chicago gangsters finally reclaimed it for the dead in 1929 by massacring a few men. I’m not sure where I’m going with this. I hate Valentine’s Day.”

Dr. Mr. and Mrs. Brooks: “As the representative couple of Ask The Idiots, we’d like to point out that love is all about chemistry. From the hormones that float through the air to be picked up by passing nostrils to the electrochemical reactions within the brain which we interpret as ‘feelings,’ love is little but a biological reaction which causes us to procreate and/or rut. In fact, we’ll be rutting this weekend, and we have on hand some of Dr. Mrs. Brooks’ pharmaceutical aids to assist us in enjoying the holiday.”

Fitness Bob: “Hearts. They’re very important and we must keep them healthy. Unfortunately, Valentine’s Day usually sees us giving candy to our loved ones, which, of course, can cause weight gain or diabetes, and hurt the very symbol of the day! So avoid candy! However, if you must, I suggest Mounds and Almond Joy bars. Coconut is a fruit, and generally a good thing.”

Dr. Nicola Delbruck: “I have seven appearances on various talk shows and news networks to explain the science behind love and Valentine’s Day. I don’t have time to explain it here, so just be sure to tune into one of several cable channels on the 14th, and I will show you that Science has some answers!”

Dr. Neil Hasen: “I know you all expect me to say I invented or patented Valentine’s Day, but that’s absurd! I’m nowhere near old enough to have done so! However, I did create a protocol for passing love notes via secret channels within the World Wide Net. Unfortunately the pathways themselves were never completed, and all of the notes being sent were lost. A lot of computer scientists working on the project became quite jaded, actually. Hopefully we can finish the project soon, though, while many of the researchers are still with us and can be reunited with their loved ones!”

Kitty Ann Rubin: “When I think of Valentine’s Day, I, of course, think of the joy of future technology beaming love to all the corners of this vast universe. Current technology is too limited for this, of course, but I know within my big red foil-covered chocolate heart, that someone — perhaps another Steve Jobs or Bill Gates or someone else super-fantastic like that — will invent something to counter that intergalactic case of the Mondays.”

Ross Wilson: “Man, Valentine’s Day, huh? I haven’t thought about that in a long time, because every day for me is like Valentine’s Day, man. It’s all peace, and love, and smokes, and that chick I hung out with at the concert in ’72. She had some hair on her, man, and a penis, but she was beautiful, especially after we shared a lick of that toad. You know, toads can be heart-shaped and some of them are really colorful, especially after you lick them. Inspirational, man. That’s Valentine’s Day.”

Scholar 51: “Valentine’s Day is a red herring! It’s just another way to distract us from the truth. While we are focused on candy, chocolate, and sex there are sinister movements being played out behind closed alien doors. They’ve taken over our romance industries, from flowers to diamonds. By delivering these as gifts, we deliver their terrible, subliminal messages. Open your eyes, people! Don’t let yourself be distracted by your base physical needs. Stay aware and don’t let shiny foil hearts keep you from seeing what’s really going on.”

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