Q: How Do I Stay Motivated To Do Anything?

A: The world is a difficult thing to deal with on the best of days. On the average day it takes everything you have to just pull yourself out of bed. So, what to do? My research shows that negative reinforcement is the most effective method of motivating anyone, including yourself. You can deny yourself something that makes you happy or gives you pleasure if you don’t accomplish whatever goal you have set for yourself. In certain extreme cases you can take something that chemically gives you a false sense of energy or need to act. My sources indicate, however, that the best method is electric shock. Sometimes pantologists do more than research; sometimes we test the knowledge we find. So, according to one behaviorist’s papers, I modified a dog’s shock collar so that it was nestled around my nether region. I then hooked it to a timer. If I didn’t finish my task by the appointed time I was in for a very nasty prod to kick things into a higher gear. Believe me, it works! You only need to miss your goal once to remain motivated in all future endeavors!