A: Constipation can be uncomfortable and even very painful. It can be caused by anything from a poor diet to a serious medical condition.
The first step when constipated is to deal with the symptom itself and look for the underlying cause afterwards. This part can be a bit unpleasant. If the constipation is occurring because of a lack of lubrication you simply need an enema to get things moving again. You need a really good friend and enough plastic to make your bedroom look like a scene from the television show Dexter. Lay on your side and have your good friend slowly squirt the enema fluid into your rectum. It may take more than one bottle and quite some time, but eventually you should get a very satisfying release from your posterior. If you covered everything properly with the plastic, including your friend, clean up should be fairly easy.
If your constipation is caused by a tightening of your sphincter muscles you are in for an embarrassing and uncomfortable time. One way of dealing with this situation is to have your good friend attempt to open your anus with some sort of instrument. They could use a spoon, a small spatula, or a plastic tongue depressor. Do not use a wooden tongue depressor! Splinters in this area can be more than a little irritating. If this doesn’t work, or the muscles are too tight to get the instrument in, then you may have to go see a medical professional. A few injections of muscle relaxers directly in the sphincter muscle should loosen things up pretty quickly.
Once you have dealt with the constipation itself do not forget to investigate the original cause of the problem. You may need the help of your medical professional for this part. If you are having trouble discovering the root cause of the problem there are numerous medical studies being conducted on the subject that you could participate in that might help with the prevention of further occurrences.
Here at the Brooks Institute of Laser and Radiological Research and Medical Clinic we have attempted to treat constipation with various doses of direct radiation. This solved the problem by completely destroying the rectum and requiring the installment of a colostomy bag. Though this eliminated the problem of constipation our subjects seemed to feel that this was a less than desirable solution. I am still trying to figure out how to apply lasers to the problem.
